Neville's First and Only Love
by Riot DeLonge 182
Summary: Harry and Voldemort have a danceoff, Neville and Harry get into a catfight, and Trevor is really a hot 18yearold Swedish model in a string bikini! ABSOLUTE TERROR! Coauthored by TheMagesticMoose...also written by HelgaMoon that's moi...flames welcome


Disclaimer: We don't own Harry Potter. Who knows who owns Harry Potter now days…

CAUTION: This story is very sick and wrong and may cause perverted thoughts and flames. Please, Only constructive criticism…screw it. Go ahead and flame us. But TAKE THIS AS A SERIOUS WARNING OR YOU'LL REGRET IT!

TheMagesticMoose: Well…uh, our friend gave told us what she though about Harry Potter and me and Helga wanted to see how it'd work out and what strange and insulting comments we'd get back after posting this….so yeah…

Helga Moon a.k.a. XoXPierresLoveGoatXoX: I'm wearing the John Deere hat! But seriously, could Harry defeat Voldemort in a dance-off? Who knows. Next Toadblatt the jackolope will be proposing to Hilary Duff, I don't know. And Johnathan will start hitting on me…what? Uh, Moosey's about to kill me. g2g!

TheMagesticMoose: Johnathan's my cousin….shudder twitch die

Anyways our story brings us once again with Harry facing Lord Voldemort a.k.a. Moldybutt in a dungeon of Toilets, I don't know…also known as the Janitors Closet…or Filch's closet…thing…screw it. Anyways here it is w/ Harry facing Lord Voldemort. Here we go…

Neville's First and Only Love 

Harry stood in the dark depths of Filch's closet, across the small room whose eyes glowed hot pink was none other than Lord Voldemort!

"You should have died Harry." Voldemort whispered.

"…Your mom!" Harry retorted.

"YOUR mom!"

Harry started to cry as the thought of his wonderful mother no longer in this world. (PLG: Harry's such a whiney butt!) Voldemort laughed. "How can you, this pitiful creature who cries over his dead mudblood mother, supposedly defeat me!"

Harry's scar burned with the intensity of all of Helga's crushes combined. That's really f'n hot. Yes, yes it is. Harry went into a blind rage as he tore off his Hogwarts shirt, pants and cloak and left him standing in his "I heart Dumbledore" boxers, then he said to Voldemort, "I CHALLENGE YOU TO A DANCE-OFF!"

Voldemort gasped an unhuman-ish gasp. Actually it was like the gasp of a Yeti, but an unhuman-ish gasp works too.

"Oh no you di-in't!" Voldemort practically screamed as he put one hand on his hips and moved the other hand back and forth while snapping like crazy.

"Oh yes I di-id!" Harry said while repeating Voldemort's motions.

Voldemort gasped again then said, "Fine, I accept your challenge young not-padawan! Let the master go first. For that is the true way of the Jedi, young one." Voldemort then stripped off all his clothes except for his boxers. Which on the back said, "I saw Jeff get beaten up by a lightsaber." And on the front had a picture of Jeff with a lightsaber through his head.

Voldemort then pulled a CD out from his boxers and threw it to his dead grandma and said, "Put it in the CD player Granny!" He then pulled out a giant CD player out of his boxers and threw it to his dead zombie grandma. She then slowly put the CD in the CD player. Harry and Voldemort tapped their feet with impatience. A few minutes later Voldemorts zombie grandma had finally put the CD in the CD player and pushed play. "Turn it up all the way Granny!" Voldemort yelled. His grandma slowly turned up the volume all the way. Voldemort then pulled out a remote from his boxers and pushed the small blue button. Suddenly the walls began to shake as the room quickly expanded. A few seconds later a dance floor appeared from the depths of the floor. Voldemort was raised up on a platform; Harry quickly stepped off the dance floor. The lights went out…then the music began! The floor lit up like a 70's disco floor. And 5 disco balls appeared from the ceiling.

Though it seemed as though 1 disco ball was slightly less bright than the others, as if something or someone was stuck to the disco ball (foreshadowing….or is it!).

"Normally it seems brighter…" Voldemort said.

"You mean you do this all the time!" Harry questioned.

"And you don't?"

"Umm…."

And on the disco ball the something or someone thought, "So that's why Harry takes so long in the bathroom!"

…

AUTHOR BREAK! A crazy short…or long chat with the authors and a switch of authors…

TheMagesticMoose: All the writing above was done by moi. The next will be done by Helga aka Pierres Love Goat. I'm…crazy…yeah…SEBASTIEN LEFEBVRE! AKA LEFURBY! ;)

XoXPierresLoveGoatXoX a.k.a. Helga Moon: I love John Deere…ha, I'm just kidding. Hey Moosey, stop drawing on my picture! LOL Oh well. Oh well….I have my beloved picture of Jonathon in front of me…eh, guys grow later than girls…LOL well…I should start writing…just a sec ((kisses picture of Jonathon)) ok, I'm done. Let's get started!

…

BACK TO STORY:)

The lights dimmed…and the music started! And Voldemort stood in the middle of the floor with his arms crossed over his chest. Then, the song "Larger Than Life" came on and he flipped his back with his hair going everywhere.

"How will I top that?" Harry thought desperately. Suddenly, an evil grin appeared on his face. "Aha! No one can top that!" he thought evilly.

Suddenly he looked up to see Voldemort break-dancing on the dance floor. He jumped up and released a number of crazy dance moves. He also made his stomach roll which in my opinion is creepy but anyway. He ended his song by doing the splits and yelling, "THANK YOU—THANK YOU VERY MUCH!"

The lights came back on (eh…they got brighter) and Voldemort did an evil grin. "Beat that Pot-head!" he yelled.

Harry grinned. "This is just the beginning, you Toadblatt!" he yelled back. He pulled his own CD from his boxers and yelled, "Hey Voldemort's husband, put this in the CD player!"

"I'm his dead granny!"

"Same difference!" She caught the CD in mid-air and threw it in the CD player. Voldemort walked off the dance floor as Harry got on and said, "Good luck—you'll need it!"

"Every star was made fun of when they first began," Harry retorted. He walked out to the middle of the dance floor and stood in the same position Voldemort did.

Suddenly, a bad mixture of out of tune violins and crappy, sloppily put-together guitar music came on the speakers. Voldemort gasped. "Not Toxic! The only song in the universe that can overcome my power!" he gasped again.

Harry began doing Britney Spears moves (he was now in a tight leopard-spotted outfit with his hair in pigtails.) As he shook his butt in the air, Voldemort started to gasp and fall down to the ground. "My…powers are…fading away!" he managed to say.

At the end of the song, Harry did a sort of high kick in the air and did the splits. Voldemort was now on the ground clutching his throat. "I'm mellllllting!" he shouted.

Soon, all that was left of Voldemort was a puddle of pink stuff. Filch came out of nowhere and mopped up the watery mess then said, "Ohmygosh it's Harry! I'm, like, your biggest fan ever! How can _I _do my hair like you do?"

"Sorry, but that's, like, confidential," Harry/Britney replied with a roll of his eyes. "And I _guess _I can sign a piece of paper or _something…."_

Harry bent down and looked in Voldemort's boxers to see if there was a pen in there, but all he saw was a vile of green stuff. "Ooooh, this totally goes with my eyes, don't ya think?" Harry squealed happily.

Suddenly, a toad dropped from the disco ball over head! "EEWWW! It's a TOAD!" Harry screamed. He dropped the vile in surprise and it hit the toad…which transformed into a hot 18-year-old Swedish supermodel…in a hot-pink string bikini!

"Yowza! If, like, I wasn't a total straight, I would so make-out with you!" Harry squealed. He suddenly tore off the outfit he was wearing and said, "Gah, you think acting like a gay pop star would get me fresh or something!" he yelled angrily. "But no, this totally hot straight Swedish super model comes out of nowhere and…hey, what are you doing later?"

The model replied, "I'm totally staying in Neville's room!"

"Neville LONGBOTTOM?" Harry roared. "WHY IN THE HAPPY KWANZAA WOULD YOU STAY WITH HIM?"

Suddenly, another form fell from the disco ball and it was…Neville! "TREVOR?" he shouted. "HOW IN THE CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS DAY DID YOU BECOME A HUMAN SWEDISH SUPERMODEL?"

"I was, like, prisoner inside that icky toad's body for-EVER," Trevor replied with a twirl of her curly blonde hair. "But like that vile totally changed me to my original body!"

Neville gave a death glance to Harry. "You stop looking at my girl!" he yelled.

…

ANOTHER AUTHOR BREAK! A crazy chat with the authors as they switch places…

XoXPierre'sLoveGoatXoX (a.k.a. Helga): are you laughing yet? Moosey was dying…well, if you have decided to skip the rest of this crappy little story and go straight (ha, straight get it?) to flaming us, Happy Father's day. …JOHNATHAN! ((faints and passes out)) here's Moosey!

TheMagesticMoose: I swear, I'm no where near as funny as Helga…It sucks being boring…Helga say's that's a load of Toadblatt…Now I get to write…

…

"I'll look at 'your girl' if I want to! Cuz, I'm gonna make her my girl!" Harry screamed.

Trevor held her hand to her overly sized chest.

"Well…She's my gir—" Neville was cut off.

"Oops!" Trevor squealed, "I dropped a nickel down my bikini!"

"I'll get it for you!" Harry yelled eagerly.

Trevor reached down into her bikini and pulled out an oyster. "Uh…Trevor?" Harry said. "Yeah?" Trevor replied. "That's not—" Harry was about to say until Neville interupted by saying, "Hold my hand to give me 'courage' Trevor!"

"Anything for you Nevvie!" Trevor then bent down and kissed Neville on the cheek and then put his hand in hers.

Neville smiled at Trevor and then turned around and glared at Harry who was in a massive state of shock. "Give it up Harry, you'll never defeat me!" Neville yelled. "Nevvie! I don't know who to like! I like you for taking care of me, but I also like Harry cuz he's cute!" Trevor said as she tickled Harry under the chin. Harry was about to faint. "Fine, Trevor! We'll have a battle! Whosoever wins this battle shall win you! And then you'll know who to like!" Neville said.

"Why that's a great idea Nevvie!" Trevor cooed as her overly sized chest brushed Nevilles' cheek. Neville was dying of happiness.

"Fine, Neville! I challenge you to a fight to the death!" Harry screamed at Neville.

"Stay back Trevor…This could get ugly…" Neville said to Trevor.

Trevor sighed, "But I want to hold your hand Nevvie!"

"Sorry baby, but I'll hold your hand after the battle." Neville said as he donned the green suit.

Harry screamed as he charged at Neville. Neville and Harry both started to sissy slap each other, but neither one was hitting the other. Neville turned his face towards Harry's and slapped Harry as hard as he possibly could across the face. Harry screamed bloody murder. Harry then turned around and slapped Neville back. Neville screamed as Harry roared with laughter. Suddenly, Trevor came up into the battle and both boys stopped fighting. They both turned towards Trevor as she suddenly lifted her foot…

She then drove her hot pink stilettos into Harry's crotch. Harry screamed in agony as he fell to the floor. He then turned into a puddle and Filch came and put his liquid remains into a plastic zip-lock bag and hid the bag in the inside of his giant overcoat and walked off. Neville thought that Filch would probably worship the remains later…as he is obsessed with Harry/Brittany.

Trevor and Neville watched curiously as Filch left the closet.

Suddenly Neville said, "Why did you do it Trevor?"

"He slapped you! And I couldn't have my little Nevvie poo getting hurt!" Trevor said in an annoyingly high pitched voice.

"I love you babe…but, alas, I must do my victory dance!" Neville said.

…

Another Another Authors Break…and switch

TheMagesticMoose: I have a very VERY sick mind….sorry!

XoXPierre'sLoveGoatXoX (a.k.a. Helga): I think Moosey's getting tired of all of the pictures of me and Jonathan kissing…screw it if he's "out of character"! you got a Chibi-Sebastien, right? Just so you know, one person writes while the other draws pictures…mine are unsurprisingly me and J…dude, it's 12:19 in the morning. We need lives, seriously!

…

Suddenly, Neville pulled a CD out of his boxers (dude, how do they keep these things from falling out?) and yelled, "Hey Granny, put THIS one in the CD player!"

She did so and Neville went to the middle of the floor and waited for the music to come on. Suddenly "Bye, Bye, Bye" by NSYNC came on. And a girl with red hair popped out of nowhere and screamed "J.C. I LOVE YOU!" and mysteriously disappeared…?

Eh, I can't think of anything for him to do, so he did his little victory dance over Harry's dead body and wait, Harry's not there….uh, he danced on the remains of Harry's boxers and sweat that was produced from staring at Trevor too long.

"Oh Nevvie-poo! We should get married!" Trevor squealed.

"But babe, I'm underage!" Neville pouted.

"But in Britain, you can do ANYTHING!" Trevor shouted happily.

"…oh yeah you're right!" (a bit of political nonsense there…)

So, without further ado, Neville and Trevor found a preacher on the Internet on the site " and they were married the following day.

_At the wedding… _"Cooh—ceeh…cooh-ceeh…You are now…cooh—ceeh…man and…cooh-ceeh…wife," Darth Vader said at the altar.

Neville was dressed in a pink Speedo and Trevor was dressed in an extremely suggestive hot-pink wedding dress that went really high on the bottom and really low on the top. She also wore really high stilettos…

Our favorite author Moosey was also getting wed to "David." Whose real name cannot be said. Anyway, those two couples were getting married. Now where was our other favorite author, Helga?

_In the middle of Texas History…_ "I now pronounce YOU TWO AIN'T GETTING MARRIED!" Coach Elliot roared. "THERE AIN'T GONNA BE NO FRENCH CANADIAN WEDDINGS IN MY CLASSROOM!"

Helga stomped her foot against the ground. "Honey, please make him say that we're married already!" she told Pierre in disgust. "Why I ever came back to this rat-hole is anybody's guess!"

Pierre just shrugged his shoulders.

"We're getting Darth Vader!" Helga shouted as she dragged Pierre off by the collar…

THE END!

Final Authors' Notes:

XoXPierre'sLoveGoatXoX (a.k.a. Helga): scary, wasn't it? I swear, we shouldn't write fan fics together….ah screw that. Anyway, this was freakin' fun to write…I swear, I don't care if you flame this, I'll just laugh my butt off. And I bet Coach Elliot wouldn't even let me in his classroom if I was set on him getting my and my lamb chop Pierre married… uh, Moosey wants on. Later, peeps!

TheMagesticMoose: I swear this story was awful! I can't believe I actually helped write this…It's really f'n scary…shudder twitch die Anywho, If you don't like this story, you can bite me. Cuz I don't care! Nyaa! I got married to "David"! Not! I wish though…………


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